in the midst

it’s hard to talk about this moment without calling it by it’s name.

we are in the midst of a pandemic.

and the best way we can combat it is to stay home. we must cut ourselves off the from each other to survive. as a result, the pace of our society has slowed. it still churns, after all capitalism does not stop, not even for death.

my days have changed dramatically in the last month. i now work from home, my commute for the last 6.5 year has been about 6 miles each way. now it is less than 60 feet. at night the freeway outside my windows gets almost silent, as if we are on an indefinite snow day.

it’s strange… to be a part of  something collectively but also to be so separate. I am literally alone all the time. my only companion is grace.

and thank goodness for grace. i am still shocked that she has been with me so long… we are past our 14th anniversary together. i was the tender age of 26 when i took her home, i am now 41. i did not process the longevity of this commitment at the time. but the longer we have been together, especially now that we have a place of our own… oh how I treasure our time together. i am forever grateful to share my life with her. she may very well be the love of my life. i have deep gratitude that we get to share these days. no other being would i rather be in quarantine with.

one routine i’ve found joy in is a daily outdoor walk, run or street dance. I usually take a camera with me and capture some of the plant life in my neighborhood. spring is just beginning here and the plants are busting out their sunday best. I try to capture their beauty. sometimes i bring a prism to add a rainbow to the mix.

not since i was a teenager did i spend so much time in one place. i’m really enjoying it. i get to learn the flora and fauna around me and watch it change and grow everyday. it feels both like an honor and a gift to watch all this life unfurl before my eyes.

i do not want to dwell on the future right now. it is a tapestry unbeknownst to us. one we will make as we go. sadly, we will not all make it.

i hope i can continue to find these small, beautiful moments, no matter what is ahead. life is short and long. it is complex and simple. i hope to continue to hold it in my hand, in my camera and be both astonished and beholden to it.

the circles of my mind

hello new year. my, that whole thing they tell you about time accelerating as you age. it’s so true. i’m actively trying to appreciate each day. to stay present but whoosh, it just keeps rushing past.

i’m trying out that 1 second a day app, as a way to remember the actual days and the tiny things that happen. i guess i’m using it how i used to use film photography.

oh the things i ache to do but struggle to prioritize.

i miss shooting 35mm film daily but i don’t see the world as i used to. can i go back? did becoming a professional photographer ruin my joy in the hobby of it? the cost can be prohibitive but it’s so much better than digital. the feel of it is so special.

i don’t know what to do with the images that i have made on film these last few years. i used to blog them or share them on social media but now i overthink it too much and since it takes me years or month to develop it, it just don’t seem timely.

last month, i took advantage of a holiday sale and i made these postcards with some of my favorite images i haven’t previously shared online. i am trying to create art again without having an agenda. or rather, without shutting myself down. my mind is a battlefield sometimes.

this is a good place to share that journey. i don’t want to make any promises because i’m a big dreamer and sometimes i get overly ambition and struggle to follow through.

maybe writing this old blog is a hobby i return to this year. only time will tell. but the thought of it makes me smile.

Hello twenty nineteen

Welcome new friend, you brand new year you. You feel like a promising new slate, like a fresh layer of snow… 

on sharing

The funny thing about blogging is the questioning of the practice. I question that I have anything to share… to which I realize we all have something to share. To live is to share, right? We are taught it early… share, share, share. But as you age, you become self-conscious of what you share. You question everything, right down to the space and resources you use up to exist, and thereby your necessity or joy to share.

the melancholy

i was diagnosed with depression in march. it came as a shock, even though i had been joking about being depressed for years. years.

you see, whenever i didn’t have plans or a job to go to, i would just stay in bed or lay around and feel sad (this happened at least monthly, sometimes more ). and then i would feel like i was wasting my life by not using those moments productively or adventurously. when i was a kid, i slept in a lot and my parents always told me i was wasting that time… you should get up early to seize the day. but getting up early was never my thing, i couldn’t do it. so i beat myself up over it for years. years. like thinking what is wrong with me? why does everybody else have this figured out? (i know that’s not true but brains like to get dramatic, don’t they?)

the eleventh month

I tried to do nablopomo last year and I only made it half way through.

I am not a daily anything person, no matter how much I want to be… no matter how much I love the idea of it. At some point, I forget or just get to the end of the day and I just can’t. Some projects are as short as 7 days and I will do the work (as in take the photos) but when it comes to posting… I just don’t/can’t/won’t.

Here it is Nov. 3 and I forgot it was even nablopomo until I visited my talented friend Andrea’s blog and saw her posting again. (She’s amazing, seriously… click that link.)

natural close-up

i’m a big lover of nature.
there is so much beauty in this world.
plant life never ceases to amazing me.
the variety and vibrance feels infinite.

the color red

On Tuesday night when I saw the majority of the US map turn red, I said, “this is making me dislike the color red.” “It’s like the country is hemorrhaging.”

how i feel right now

sad

heartbroken

confused

angry

fired-up to get involved

fighty

frustrated

tired

and many more emotions that don’t have words

add a space

do you ever break down words to get to the heart of it, then turned it into word association? me neither, until now.

dis ease / not easy / anti ease
mis take / don’t take / not take
over all / lord / above
in to / movement
all ways / every where / love
full fill / fill while full

*I wrote this two and a half years ago, it seems appropriate to share now. I’m still processing this week. So here we are. 

I can’t even

Today was roller coaster. I need to process it. I didn’t see this coming.

65 degrees

We’re having an unseasonably warm November. I’m ready for things to get brisk. I’m ready to see my own breath.