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hello, old friend. oh where do i start?

this is my third post in this space this year but it has been a decade (in my mind) since I last posted (oh april, what a trip you were). re-reading my last post brought tears to my eyes.

calendula in late july

because Grace died at the end of April – only 20 (short) days later. one of the (many) gifts the pandemic gave me was to spend the last six weeks of Grace’s life together. i want to share more about that time. but that is not why i am here today.

this is going to be a bit of a scattered. i’m just gonna let it flow, ok?

lavender + bee, a love story

i see on wordpress that i’ve had this blog for 10 years! but really i only consistently wrote and posted here the first 3 years. the summer after Cal and I broke up, i pretty much quit creating film photos for myself. and then i got a job where photography was a part of the work and that furthered my separation from the medium. i still love photography, i hope to practice it for the rest of my life but the romanticism of those first 3 years! oh how i wish i could go back and reclaim it.

but we can’t go back. we must keep learning and growing and becoming our future selves. i would do so much differently. mostly, i would take better care of myself. but we only know what we know, when we know it.

i still have so much to learn. and so much to unlearn.

through the fence

anyway, today, i decided i would take a social media break. i’ve tried this before with low levels of success. i’ve recently been working on keeping my promises to myself. i’ve started the couch to 5k program again. it’s my second or third time doing it. and i’m truly committed to it. over a month ago, my therapist strongly suggested i exercise daily again, for my mental health and i agreed with her but it took me two weeks to start. once i did, oh i feel like it’s already saved me from myself. my anxiety has been out of control. running gives me an outlet. i’ve been weary about working out again because i had previously lied to myself regarding why i was doing it in the past (cough, weight loss). i’m done lying to myself or treating myself badly so i look good to other people. i sacrificed myself too much and too many times in pursuit of pleasing other people. no more of that.

blues at dad's house

back to the social media break—today i’m realizing how much of my time and attention has been sucked up by it. so this is one of the places i’ve decided to turn to instead. i’m striving to spend my time creating art and figuring out how i can be useful to the world, instead just being a consumer.

i’ll see you again soon, dear old blog. do i have any readers left? if so, get ready for lots more rambling and random photos of my life.

it’s good to be back. grateful to still have this place to live, especially after all these years.

the blue hour

on sharing

The funny thing about blogging is the questioning of the practice. I question that I have anything to share… to which I realize we all have something to share. To live is to share, right? We are taught it early… share, share, share. But as you age, you become self-conscious of what you share. You question everything, right down to the space and resources you use up to exist, and thereby your necessity or joy to share.

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Continue reading “on sharing”

november one 

It’s interesting how we circle around the same places and patterns throughout our lives. We are constantly seeking comfort even when it’s only temporary and sometimes even detrimental.

The push to get out of my comfort zone is always a challenge. It’s usually worth it in the long run but I still seek out the comforting beauty of these routines. And I can’t escape them ever. Because we are all connected, by place and people.

Home is a more complex word than you’d expect. And it’s often not just one place. The pieces are all around. I cling to each little bit.

in the kitchen









i’m getting back to shooting and cooking regularly. it feel good and right. i’m more and more at home with myself lately. learning to really love yourself is such a lifelong journey.

hello out there.

carpe diem

i’m learning more and more every day to appreciate the present. this is one of the things that I have always enjoyed about shooting film.

come back to bed

i’ve gotten away from shooting and sharing film these last few years. i am coming back to it, back to this space, and back to flickr. 

baby steps. here we go. rise and shine, world.

mamiya c33 / kodak ektar 100 / spring 2014 / home

happy national cat day!

this long neglected space has been in desperate need of an update. what better day to start than national cat day?

here is the story of my beloved cat and her surroundings on a pleasant spring day.

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mamiya c33 | kodak ektar 100 | developed by citizen’s photo | scanned by me

more soon!
—vanessa

my everyday life

my favorite shots to take are the ones that capture my everyday life… the normal things we take for granted.

time moves so fast that sometimes you miss the changes.

i love having a record of the things i would otherwise take for granted.

morning light

When I stepped out of my apartment one morning last week, the light in the hallway stopped me in my tracks. This is one of the things that I’ve learned from photography. In a way, it’s like sports … keep your eye on the ball. With photography, keep your eye on the light. Light is everything.

I hope you have a lovely day. It’s Friday, after all!