hello new year. my, that whole thing they tell you about time accelerating as you age. it’s so true. i’m actively trying to appreciate each day. to stay present but whoosh, it just keeps rushing past.
i’m trying out that 1 second a day app, as a way to remember the actual days and the tiny things that happen. i guess i’m using it how i used to use film photography.
oh the things i ache to do but struggle to prioritize.
i miss shooting 35mm film daily but i don’t see the world as i used to. can i go back? did becoming a professional photographer ruin my joy in the hobby of it? the cost can be prohibitive but it’s so much better than digital. the feel of it is so special.
i don’t know what to do with the images that i have made on film these last few years. i used to blog them or share them on social media but now i overthink it too much and since it takes me years or month to develop it, it just don’t seem timely.
last month, i took advantage of a holiday sale and i made these postcards with some of my favorite images i haven’t previously shared online. i am trying to create art again without having an agenda. or rather, without shutting myself down. my mind is a battlefield sometimes.
this is a good place to share that journey. i don’t want to make any promises because i’m a big dreamer and sometimes i get overly ambition and struggle to follow through.
maybe writing this old blog is a hobby i return to this year. only time will tell. but the thought of it makes me smile.
Welcome new friend, you brand new year you. You feel like a promising new slate, like a fresh layer of snow…
Continue reading “Hello twenty nineteen”
The funny thing about blogging is the questioning of the practice. I question that I have anything to share… to which I realize we all have something to share. To live is to share, right? We are taught it early… share, share, share. But as you age, you become self-conscious of what you share. You question everything, right down to the space and resources you use up to exist, and thereby your necessity or joy to share.
Continue reading “on sharing”
Today was one of those days I described in my last post. The I don’t want to get out of bed type. But I did, eventually. And I made it through. I was a productive citizen.
The best part of my day… Well there was two good parts: I’m teaching myself (with some skillshare and Google) time lapse photography for a work project. The second was hanging out with him, he always makes my day better.
Suddenly I’m all vulnerable and honest here. Not hiding behind photos. It feels nice so far but a little scary too.
: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :
Things I plan to work on in the next week:
Getting more protein in my diet and planning enough solid meals for myself. The last two days I’ve been starving by the end of the day. Gotta sort out a better way.
Getting more rest.
Drinking more water throughout the day.
i was diagnosed with depression in march. it came as a shock, even though i had been joking about being depressed for years. years.
you see, whenever i didn’t have plans or a job to go to, i would just stay in bed or lay around and feel sad (this happened at least monthly, sometimes more ). and then i would feel like i was wasting my life by not using those moments productively or adventurously. when i was a kid, i slept in a lot and my parents always told me i was wasting that time… you should get up early to seize the day. but getting up early was never my thing, i couldn’t do it. so i beat myself up over it for years. years. like thinking what is wrong with me? why does everybody else have this figured out? (i know that’s not true but brains like to get dramatic, don’t they?)
Continue reading “the melancholy”
september 15 / after work, on my way home
this last month, i’ve been carrying around my digital camera most days. i try to bring it with me everyday but somedays i just don’t feel like it and that’s ok. the overall goal is to capture my everyday life again and to learn my camera better. i’ve tried 3 times to do a 365 and it’s just not my thing. i need time away from the camera to appreciate it. i need to take pleasure in it and to not feel like it’s a requirement. when i was doing a 365, somedays i would resent the project and feel uninspired. i don’t want to resent photography. it’s such a gift to me to view the world through these lovely tools and i want to keep finding the magic in it.
i find if i put a lot of controls or requirements in my life, i get angry at those things. i know if i start to resent something, it isn’t working for me. that’s when it’s time to find a different way to do things. this is something i’ve learned to accept within myself, like an internal barometer. i also know there is always another way to get where i want to go. as i grow and learn, i get better and quicker at finding ways around myself.
canon 50d / 28mm lens
i’m learning more and more every day to appreciate the present. this is one of the things that I have always enjoyed about shooting film.
i’ve gotten away from shooting and sharing film these last few years. i am coming back to it, back to this space, and back to flickr.
baby steps. here we go. rise and shine, world.
mamiya c33 / kodak ektar 100 / spring 2014 / home
If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be.
Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret.
Spin wildly into your next action.
Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over.
Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.
+ + +
february 2013 | ladd’s addition, portland, oregon
mamiya c33 | tri-x 400 | developed by citizen’s photo | self-scanned
quote from the television show Everwood.
this long neglected space has been in desperate need of an update. what better day to start than national cat day?
here is the story of my beloved cat and her surroundings on a pleasant spring day.
mamiya c33 | kodak ektar 100 | developed by citizen’s photo | scanned by me
last summer, we had four straight months with no rain. four straight months!
it was crazy, so unlike oregon. this year, we got a bit of summer showers but last year, nothing, nada, dry as a bone. so when that first rain finally came… woo-hoo! i was excited! i ran outside and started photographing it. what a gorgeous sight for this oregonian.
i was truly giddy. here is what i saw that day.
do you ever feel like you are constantly editing your life? what is safe to say online, what is safe to say to friends, what is safe to say to family… sometimes even what is safe to say to yourself?
i feel this way constantly. it’s hard sometimes. sometimes you just want to let it all out.
even in just tiny superficial ways, if nothing else, to give yourself and others the same permission to let it all out.
i scanned these images months ago, today i ran across them and i like them more than the first time i looked at them so i wanted to share them. but some of them have scratches, imperfections.
i thought about fixing them, taking the time to polish them up. but i kinda like the scratches and dust.
i decided i liked these images just the way they are. imperfect, unedited.
my world is just as imperfect as yours, let’s celebrate that for once.
random images i made in march 2013 | self-scanned, scratched and dusty
olympus om-2n | kodak ektar 100 film
“The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.”
― Mary Oliver
self-portraits from march 2013 | olympus om-2n | kodak ektar 100 film