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hello, old friend. oh where do i start?

this is my third post in this space this year but it has been a decade (in my mind) since I last posted (oh april, what a trip you were). re-reading my last post brought tears to my eyes.

calendula in late july

because Grace died at the end of April – only 20 (short) days later. one of the (many) gifts the pandemic gave me was to spend the last six weeks of Grace’s life together. i want to share more about that time. but that is not why i am here today.

this is going to be a bit of a scattered. i’m just gonna let it flow, ok?

lavender + bee, a love story

i see on wordpress that i’ve had this blog for 10 years! but really i only consistently wrote and posted here the first 3 years. the summer after Cal and I broke up, i pretty much quit creating film photos for myself. and then i got a job where photography was a part of the work and that furthered my separation from the medium. i still love photography, i hope to practice it for the rest of my life but the romanticism of those first 3 years! oh how i wish i could go back and reclaim it.

but we can’t go back. we must keep learning and growing and becoming our future selves. i would do so much differently. mostly, i would take better care of myself. but we only know what we know, when we know it.

i still have so much to learn. and so much to unlearn.

through the fence

anyway, today, i decided i would take a social media break. i’ve tried this before with low levels of success. i’ve recently been working on keeping my promises to myself. i’ve started the couch to 5k program again. it’s my second or third time doing it. and i’m truly committed to it. over a month ago, my therapist strongly suggested i exercise daily again, for my mental health and i agreed with her but it took me two weeks to start. once i did, oh i feel like it’s already saved me from myself. my anxiety has been out of control. running gives me an outlet. i’ve been weary about working out again because i had previously lied to myself regarding why i was doing it in the past (cough, weight loss). i’m done lying to myself or treating myself badly so i look good to other people. i sacrificed myself too much and too many times in pursuit of pleasing other people. no more of that.

blues at dad's house

back to the social media break—today i’m realizing how much of my time and attention has been sucked up by it. so this is one of the places i’ve decided to turn to instead. i’m striving to spend my time creating art and figuring out how i can be useful to the world, instead just being a consumer.

i’ll see you again soon, dear old blog. do i have any readers left? if so, get ready for lots more rambling and random photos of my life.

it’s good to be back. grateful to still have this place to live, especially after all these years.

the blue hour

in the midst

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it’s hard to talk about this moment without calling it by it’s name.

we are in the midst of a pandemic.

and the best way we can combat it is to stay home. we must cut ourselves off the from each other to survive. as a result, the pace of our society has slowed. it still churns, after all capitalism does not stop, not even for death.

my days have changed dramatically in the last month. i now work from home, my commute for the last 6.5 year has been about 6 miles each way. now it is less than 60 feet. at night the freeway outside my windows gets almost silent, as if we are on an indefinite snow day.

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it’s strange… to be a part of  something collectively but also to be so separate. I am literally alone all the time. my only companion is grace.

and thank goodness for grace. i am still shocked that she has been with me so long… we are past our 14th anniversary together. i was the tender age of 26 when i took her home, i am now 41. i did not process the longevity of this commitment at the time. but the longer we have been together, especially now that we have a place of our own… oh how I treasure our time together. i am forever grateful to share my life with her. she may very well be the love of my life. i have deep gratitude that we get to share these days. no other being would i rather be in quarantine with.

_grace-apr2020

one routine i’ve found joy in is a daily outdoor walk, run or street dance. I usually take a camera with me and capture some of the plant life in my neighborhood. spring is just beginning here and the plants are busting out their sunday best. I try to capture their beauty. sometimes i bring a prism to add a rainbow to the mix.

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not since i was a teenager did i spend so much time in one place. i’m really enjoying it. i get to learn the flora and fauna around me and watch it change and grow everyday. it feels both like an honor and a gift to watch all this life unfurl before my eyes.

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i do not want to dwell on the future right now. it is a tapestry unbeknownst to us. one we will make as we go. sadly, we will not all make it.

i hope i can continue to find these small, beautiful moments, no matter what is ahead. life is short and long. it is complex and simple. i hope to continue to hold it in my hand, in my camera and be both astonished and beholden to it.

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the kindling within

i feel the muse stirring. i want to create. i’m brimming with ideas of new personal work. it’s exciting. i haven’t felt compelled to really create anything for myself in a long, long while, aside from a photo here and there.

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Continue reading “the kindling within”

natural close-up

i’m a big lover of nature.
there is so much beauty in this world.
plant life never ceases to amazing me.
the variety and vibrance feels infinite. Continue reading “natural close-up”

six years ago

I’ve had this blog for 6 years. I was initially very active but over the years, I lost my steam. This month is the first time I have posted in over a year. The last three years, it’s been rather quiet here. Continue reading “six years ago”

the color red

On Tuesday night when I saw the majority of the US map turn red, I said, “this is making me dislike the color red.” “It’s like the country is hemorrhaging.”

Continue reading “the color red”

how i feel right now

sad

heartbroken

confused

angry

fired-up to get involved

fighty

frustrated

tired

and many more emotions that don’t have words

Continue reading “how i feel right now”

add a space

do you ever break down words to get to the heart of it, then turned it into word association? me neither, until now.

dis ease / not easy / anti ease
mis take / don’t take / not take
over all / lord / above
in to / movement
all ways / every where / love
full fill / fill while full

*I wrote this two and a half years ago, it seems appropriate to share now. I’m still processing this week. So here we are. 

I can’t even 

Today was roller coaster. I need to process it. I didn’t see this coming.

Continue reading “I can’t even “

65 degrees

We’re having an unseasonably warm November. I’m ready for things to get brisk. I’m ready to see my own breath.