in the midst

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it’s hard to talk about this moment without calling it by it’s name.

we are in the midst of a pandemic.

and the best way we can combat it is to stay home. we must cut ourselves off the from each other to survive. as a result, the pace of our society has slowed. it still churns, after all capitalism does not stop, not even for death.

my days have changed dramatically in the last month. i now work from home, my commute for the last 6.5 year has been about 6 miles each way. now it is less than 60 feet. at night the freeway outside my windows gets almost silent, as if we are on an indefinite snow day.

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it’s strange… to be a part of  something collectively but also to be so separate. I am literally alone all the time. my only companion is grace.

and thank goodness for grace. i am still shocked that she has been with me so long… we are past our 14th anniversary together. i was the tender age of 26 when i took her home, i am now 41. i did not process the longevity of this commitment at the time. but the longer we have been together, especially now that we have a place of our own… oh how I treasure our time together. i am forever grateful to share my life with her. she may very well be the love of my life. i have deep gratitude that we get to share these days. no other being would i rather be in quarantine with.

_grace-apr2020

one routine i’ve found joy in is a daily outdoor walk, run or street dance. I usually take a camera with me and capture some of the plant life in my neighborhood. spring is just beginning here and the plants are busting out their sunday best. I try to capture their beauty. sometimes i bring a prism to add a rainbow to the mix.

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not since i was a teenager did i spend so much time in one place. i’m really enjoying it. i get to learn the flora and fauna around me and watch it change and grow everyday. it feels both like an honor and a gift to watch all this life unfurl before my eyes.

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i do not want to dwell on the future right now. it is a tapestry unbeknownst to us. one we will make as we go. sadly, we will not all make it.

i hope i can continue to find these small, beautiful moments, no matter what is ahead. life is short and long. it is complex and simple. i hope to continue to hold it in my hand, in my camera and be both astonished and beholden to it.

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the color red

On Tuesday night when I saw the majority of the US map turn red, I said, “this is making me dislike the color red.” “It’s like the country is hemorrhaging.”

Continue reading “the color red”

how i feel right now

sad

heartbroken

confused

angry

fired-up to get involved

fighty

frustrated

tired

and many more emotions that don’t have words

Continue reading “how i feel right now”

add a space

do you ever break down words to get to the heart of it, then turned it into word association? me neither, until now.

dis ease / not easy / anti ease
mis take / don’t take / not take
over all / lord / above
in to / movement
all ways / every where / love
full fill / fill while full

*I wrote this two and a half years ago, it seems appropriate to share now. I’m still processing this week. So here we are. 

I can’t even 

Today was roller coaster. I need to process it. I didn’t see this coming.

Continue reading “I can’t even “

65 degrees

We’re having an unseasonably warm November. I’m ready for things to get brisk. I’m ready to see my own breath.

we drink wine on sundays 

I can’t think of a better way to spend Sunday than going wine tasting with my dad and stepmom in wine country. We tried almost a dozen wines and had lots of laughs and delicious food along the way. It was a beautiful day.

Cheers!

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Autumn is my muse. I’m enthralled with it every single day. I can’t help but capture it. It’s a film of transition, a lesson in life. Constantly inconsistent. Just when you get comfortable, everything changes. Nature says, don’t stand still… keep going… aging… evolving, like the tide of a river.

setting intentions

things I’m practicing this month

more boot camp  (2-3 days a week, adding this to my 1-2 days of weightlifting)

30 days of yoga

meditation, twice a week

tracking my food and water intake

self-gratitude for my body and abilities

nablopomo with personal daily photos

11:02

7:00 woke and packed clothes for the day / 7:30 exercised at fit body boot camp / 9:00 went to work at nunm / 17:00 therapy appt / 18:15 visited dispensary and gas station / 19:00 home / 19:30 yoga / 20:00 ate dinner / 20:45 partially voted (turns out it’s going to be a two-night deal) / 22:15 made breakfast and packed my clothes for tomorrow / 22:45 showered / 23:00 in bed, writing this blogpost

23:45 good night, gracie

whew, what a productive day!

november one 

It’s interesting how we circle around the same places and patterns throughout our lives. We are constantly seeking comfort even when it’s only temporary and sometimes even detrimental.

The push to get out of my comfort zone is always a challenge. It’s usually worth it in the long run but I still seek out the comforting beauty of these routines. And I can’t escape them ever. Because we are all connected, by place and people.

Home is a more complex word than you’d expect. And it’s often not just one place. The pieces are all around. I cling to each little bit.