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hello, old friend. oh where do i start?

this is my third post in this space this year but it has been a decade (in my mind) since I last posted (oh april, what a trip you were). re-reading my last post brought tears to my eyes.

calendula in late july

because Grace died at the end of April – only 20 (short) days later. one of the (many) gifts the pandemic gave me was to spend the last six weeks of Grace’s life together. i want to share more about that time. but that is not why i am here today.

this is going to be a bit of a scattered. i’m just gonna let it flow, ok?

lavender + bee, a love story

i see on wordpress that i’ve had this blog for 10 years! but really i only consistently wrote and posted here the first 3 years. the summer after Cal and I broke up, i pretty much quit creating film photos for myself. and then i got a job where photography was a part of the work and that furthered my separation from the medium. i still love photography, i hope to practice it for the rest of my life but the romanticism of those first 3 years! oh how i wish i could go back and reclaim it.

but we can’t go back. we must keep learning and growing and becoming our future selves. i would do so much differently. mostly, i would take better care of myself. but we only know what we know, when we know it.

i still have so much to learn. and so much to unlearn.

through the fence

anyway, today, i decided i would take a social media break. i’ve tried this before with low levels of success. i’ve recently been working on keeping my promises to myself. i’ve started the couch to 5k program again. it’s my second or third time doing it. and i’m truly committed to it. over a month ago, my therapist strongly suggested i exercise daily again, for my mental health and i agreed with her but it took me two weeks to start. once i did, oh i feel like it’s already saved me from myself. my anxiety has been out of control. running gives me an outlet. i’ve been weary about working out again because i had previously lied to myself regarding why i was doing it in the past (cough, weight loss). i’m done lying to myself or treating myself badly so i look good to other people. i sacrificed myself too much and too many times in pursuit of pleasing other people. no more of that.

blues at dad's house

back to the social media break—today i’m realizing how much of my time and attention has been sucked up by it. so this is one of the places i’ve decided to turn to instead. i’m striving to spend my time creating art and figuring out how i can be useful to the world, instead just being a consumer.

i’ll see you again soon, dear old blog. do i have any readers left? if so, get ready for lots more rambling and random photos of my life.

it’s good to be back. grateful to still have this place to live, especially after all these years.

the blue hour

the melancholy

i was diagnosed with depression in march. it came as a shock, even though i had been joking about being depressed for years. years.

you see, whenever i didn’t have plans or a job to go to, i would just stay in bed or lay around and feel sad (this happened at least monthly, sometimes more ). and then i would feel like i was wasting my life by not using those moments productively or adventurously. when i was a kid, i slept in a lot and my parents always told me i was wasting that time… you should get up early to seize the day. but getting up early was never my thing, i couldn’t do it. so i beat myself up over it for years. years. like thinking what is wrong with me? why does everybody else have this figured out? (i know that’s not true but brains like to get dramatic, don’t they?)

Continue reading “the melancholy”

six years ago

I’ve had this blog for 6 years. I was initially very active but over the years, I lost my steam. This month is the first time I have posted in over a year. The last three years, it’s been rather quiet here. Continue reading “six years ago”

how i feel right now

sad

heartbroken

confused

angry

fired-up to get involved

fighty

frustrated

tired

and many more emotions that don’t have words

Continue reading “how i feel right now”

add a space

do you ever break down words to get to the heart of it, then turned it into word association? me neither, until now.

dis ease / not easy / anti ease
mis take / don’t take / not take
over all / lord / above
in to / movement
all ways / every where / love
full fill / fill while full

*I wrote this two and a half years ago, it seems appropriate to share now. I’m still processing this week. So here we are. 

I can’t even 

Today was roller coaster. I need to process it. I didn’t see this coming.

Continue reading “I can’t even “

setting intentions

things I’m practicing this month

more boot camp  (2-3 days a week, adding this to my 1-2 days of weightlifting)

30 days of yoga

meditation, twice a week

tracking my food and water intake

self-gratitude for my body and abilities

nablopomo with personal daily photos

11:02

7:00 woke and packed clothes for the day / 7:30 exercised at fit body boot camp / 9:00 went to work at nunm / 17:00 therapy appt / 18:15 visited dispensary and gas station / 19:00 home / 19:30 yoga / 20:00 ate dinner / 20:45 partially voted (turns out it’s going to be a two-night deal) / 22:15 made breakfast and packed my clothes for tomorrow / 22:45 showered / 23:00 in bed, writing this blogpost

23:45 good night, gracie

whew, what a productive day!

november one 

It’s interesting how we circle around the same places and patterns throughout our lives. We are constantly seeking comfort even when it’s only temporary and sometimes even detrimental.

The push to get out of my comfort zone is always a challenge. It’s usually worth it in the long run but I still seek out the comforting beauty of these routines. And I can’t escape them ever. Because we are all connected, by place and people.

Home is a more complex word than you’d expect. And it’s often not just one place. The pieces are all around. I cling to each little bit.

NYC, initial musings

WORD SALAD

Large. Diverse. Work in progress. So many details. So much everything. Vibrant. More than I can contain with words. Wow. Speechless. Love.

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OBSERVATIONS

People hang out in the streets. Like pull a chair out and sit on the sidewalk for hours or just stand in a corner or sit on a stoop. Every place outside is a public place.

People are beautiful. They also wear a fair amount of sweat pants. Everybody has an iPhone, in their hand.

Manhatten is twice as expensive to eat and drink in than Brooklyn. Brooklyn feels like Portland but with more brownstones and people of color. I love the diversity here, it’s so refreshing.

Most of the coffee here is from Portland or Seattle. (Starbucks is disgustingly everywhere, ew!)

It feels like there are fewer homeless people here than Portland.

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RANDOM

I’ve walked more this week than I have in a long time. It’s awesome and harder than I thought it would be. My tiny little legs…getting me 7-10 miles in a day.

I’m learning the subway system. So fun and fascinating!

I still feel like I’m on west coast time and I’ve been here for a week!

I have such a feeling of possibility before me.

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. all photos taken with iPhone 6+ . first afternoon here . september 25, 2015 . edited using vscocam . #nessayayvacay .

tiny beautiful things

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People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us.
―Iris Murdoch

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photographs made during a wander around Astoria in earlier this month | canon 30d | 28mm

sunshine and petals

lan su chinese garden

lan su chinese garden

lan su chinese garden

Just a couple of photos I took last spring at the Lan Su Chinese Garden / Nikon D5300 / Lensbaby